A bad romance in 3D or “Dance me to the end of the EU presidency”

I decided to write this post in English, because a lot has already been written about this video which promotes the Polish presidency in the EU.  Some of the “indigenous bloggers” have gracefully ripped this “masterpiece” apart.

According to the statement on the official site for the Polish presidency:

Warsaw was the scene of the premiere of Tomasz Bagiński’s 3D film promoting Poland’s Presidency of the EU Council. Dancing is the film’s leitmotiv.

Created by Tomasz Bagiński and the Platige Image company, the film is based on a waltz metaphor and the transformations to which Poland is inviting Europe.

“Europe in dance”, ha? Bagiński, a Polish illustrator, whose short animation The Cathedral was nominated for an Oscar, is already an icon who is often responsible for promoting “Polishness”. He was hired to direct an animation which covered the history of Poland in 8 minutes for the Polish Pavilion at Shanghai’s EXPO 2010. Ah, what a feast for the patriarchal eye, to see absolutely no women in Polish history — instead the audience is shown a HIStory of wars, conquest, and male 3D puppets who symbolically fertilize the receptive polish land…But that’s a topic for another post.

Let’s get back to the metaphor of dance that the young sci-fi fan decided to adopt for the purpose of demonstrating how Poland envisions its role during the EU presidency.

In our movie, Europe is a beautiful, yet cold woman closed in an icy and architectonically austere space. On the surface it lacks nothing. The space is well designed, though it is a down-to-earth design. Europe in the first scenes is very beautiful, but lifeless. In a gap between the buildings there a man appears. In our film this is a symbol which represents Poland. This new character invites Europe to dance and he makes her and the surrounding architecture more vivid, and brings them to life. At the end of the film, although seemingly we leave the very same space, a wry smile tugs at the corner of Europe’s mouth, the light is much warmer and more positive, and the gap between buildings is bridged by a new building: Poland, as it may be guessed.

So what we get here is a story of a a short flirtation between good old Europe, and Poland — the chosen nation that will obviously lead the Moral (read: Catholic/Judeo-Christian) Waltz. Well, this latter partner is also experienced (see the “Animated History of Poland”) and is a perfectly suitable candidate to revive the Europe-zombie in the 21st century — so forget the outdated Greek bull story.

Why is Europe such a “beautiful, yet cold” woman? Maybe the Hungarian presidency left her unsatisfied and bored, or maybe she’s just a woman approaching menopause, who still wants to be attractive. She tries hard: she sits alone, wearing strong make-up that is supposed to hide the aging process, and she exposes her naked thigh. All these signals are an invitation for some hero to rescue her from this boredom of an “architectonically austere space”. She has achieved a lot: she’s rich, elegant, emancipated, and prosperous, but inevitably the demography dooms Europe to become one of those eccentric spinsters. Maybe she listened too much to those crazy feminists and sacrificed her family life to her career. That, as everyone knows, cannot give you happiness or the children which are in such demand in Europe’s aging societies. She seems really desperate, you can even notice a tear in her cloudy eye (a cataract already?!). She already tried a Turkish affair, maybe even went on a short holiday to Egypt, but nothing worked out.  She definitely needs some life-giving force, someone to show her the way, lead her… The wind of change in a nearby linden tree foreshadows potential salvation.

And there he is! A young blond and blue-eyed man sneaks up to Europe carefully so as not to scare her. This Pole starts to dance around the older lady and decides to grab her from behind. Well, she seems to like this coarse form of an advance. While he presents his manly attributes through something that resembles a peacock mating dance, she looks away from time to time. Of course that’s just a part of the game, and our manly Pole knows that. After a daring, deep look into Europe’s eyes, he finally manages to invite her to dance and the icy glass-and-steel-office reality starts to disintegrate in the lustful swirl of their procreation dance.  Up in the clouds passion of this heterosexual courtship culminates in … guess what… an ejaculation of many tiny dancers that look alike. A heated and excited Europe even shows her lingerie in the peak of this erotic adventure, not paying attention to the fact that the dancer has almost pushed her off levitating pieces of Brussels buildings. After the immaculate conception, she is then sent back to the ground in a godly/superhero pose awash in the rain of European stars. Please, don’t let me go further with THIS metaphor…

The short affair comes to an end (six months passed quickly), but Europe is left with a smile of satisfaction on her face. Something has changed: the light is warmer, and buildings seem to be less hostile. The emptiness has been filled (she probably conceived!) and everything is in its place. The Pole decided to keep something as a token of this short romance, so a star-shaped pendant is missing from Europe’s neck. You may say, as yet another Polish stereotype, that probably the car Europe parked behind the buildings is missing too. But don’t let yourself be fooled by that. He had no choice and as a moral guide and reformist he had to take the pentagram symbol away from this weak woman, who was probably lured into moral depravity by some multi-culti propaganda. She has let many others in to work for her, forgetting that her real lover is just around the corner. After all, he’s there to promote family values in the heart of today’s rotten European culture. Now polish culture flourishes not only on the dancer’s shirt, but also on one of the buildings behind a revived Europe with a new spark in her eye.

If you wonder how this (nec)romantic story so rich in symbols could come to minds of the animators, just have a look at the logo of Polish presidency in the EU:

Hmm… six erected arrows? A heterosexual rainbow? Growth, progress, phalli… We have a winner of “The Most Phallic Logo” contest! I’m sure this inspired them to be consistent in promoting reasonable polish values, since they “explore the space of symbols, allegories and somewhat poetic associations”. If Poland is supposed to be the future of the EU, then prepare yourselves for the most strict anti-abortion law, laws given to zygotes and taken away from women, a crusade against same-sex marriage, and other thrilling surprises that our government prepared for the EU.

I tell you, this is a bad, bad romance!

Special thanks to Sporothrix.

1 thought on “A bad romance in 3D or “Dance me to the end of the EU presidency”

  1. Pingback: “Złap mnie, jeśli potrafisz”, czyli warszawski spleen | cyborg monkey rants

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